What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

A Chocolate Snob’s Guide to Personality Traits

 If you’ve never meddled in the psychology of personality traits, you might not have heard about the “big five”. And no, thankfully this is not one of those situations where you get compared to a lion because you’re domineering, or an elephant because you’re good at remembering things. As far back as the 1880s, a group of psychologists began classifying personality traits according to particular traits they observed in their subjects’ use of language. Their findings resulted in the neat little acronym, OCEAN, which stood for Openness to experience, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness and Neuroticism, which is still used today. So far, so tick-boxy. But if we had to mix things up a bit and see how these traits might correlate to our choice of chocolate, what could it say about us? Are we game? Let’s play.

If this were one of those American high school yearbook situations, you’d be voted “most likely to succeed”. Wherever you’ve gone in life, you’ve always been the most popular kid at school – and with a sugar content of 55%, who can blame you? You’re addictive, and when deciding on who to invite to a dinner party, you’re always at the top of the list. Yours is a charmed life to be sure. But it’s not always easy being you. A slight mood swing and you’ll see a confused frown flit across someone’s face. Too opinionated on a polarising topic and you might fall victim to cancel culture. But then, this is not your first rodeo.

The likelihood of anyone breaking off a block of a 100% cocoa bar and going, “Hmmm… so good…” and actually mean it, is slim. Unless you’re taste-testing it for your next chocolicious creation. Where’s the love? By the same token, the chances of anyone being completely open-minded and up for absolutely anything, are equally as slim. But these souls do exist, and like baking chocolate, they’re happy to go along with anything (know what I’m saying?). So, if you find particular resonance with baking chocolate – even if it’s only the idea of it – don’t take the judgment of others too seriously. Most of the time, they’re just jealous of your free-spiritedness.

The darker the chocolate, the more bittersweet it becomes. But whether or not the darker side of the cocoa spectrum gets you going, there’s something very satisfying about it. There’s a lasting quality to the flavour, it’s dependable, methodical and unimpulsive. See where this is going? Extra dark chocolate might not be a crowd-pleaser, but oozes sophistication, feels well put together, is not emotionally volatile, and doesn’t melt the moment a situation gets a little heated. It holds back just enough to get you craving more. Aloof? Maybe a little. But owning it makes you irresistible.

So, not everyone knows this, but you’re actually milk chocolate’s non-identical twin. Let’s overexplain. Both contain more or less the same ratios of sugar, milk and cocoa butter, but white chocolate contains no cocoa solids, which accounts for its creamy complexion. But apart from a basic DNA match, your personalities couldn’t be more different. You’ve been described as a little volatile (really?), unhinged (you hate that word), unpredictable (wait, who said that?), but you’re one of those rare people who, despite your vices, are well loved. When you turn the charm all the way up, however, some have described you as sickly sweet, but to others, you simply can’t be sweet enough. You do you, sugar.

On the lighter side of the scale there’s dark chocolate’s delightful younger sibling. The one who doesn’t need to be as responsible, the more sociable one, in other words, the hot one. In a line-up of who’s getting picked for a one-night stand, it’s you (no surprises). You get your energy from others. Everybody adores you. You’re the life of the party. Sure, at times the thought of ending up a geriatric socialite with a questionable tan throws you off slightly, but it’s not the kind of thing you lose sleep over now, is it?